Dealing with an angry child can be a challenge for any adult. The checklist below helps you gain understanding regarding what makes your child angry. It also offers guidelines for responding to challenging behaviors so that achieving positive outcomes becomes more common. Calming an angry child is all about “emotion coaching.” Help the child overcome negative feelings by learning how to appropriately get his needs met.
What Makes Most Kids Angry?
1. Loss of Control
When a child can’t get what he wants, when he wants it, he often becomes frustrated and/or angry. This includes both getting a particular item he wants and/or having control over a particular situation or person. It is important to allow the child to experience control in appropriate ways. For example, deciding what to wear (perhaps the parent will offer several choices), choosing a particular TV show, deciding when to clean his room or start his homework, etc.
2. Feeling Unrecognized
When kids feel that the people around them are ignoring them, they may choose to do something surprising. This unexpected and sometimes aggressive behavior exists in order to be noticed and feel empowered. Parents who recognize this pattern can intervene early. In doing so, they help their kids gain the attention they need; the child then feels a sense of balance before negative behaviors occur. Focusing on early identification of the child’s needs, his positive behavior, and even his partial efforts to comply can lead to positive outcomes before challenging behaviors occur.
3. Feeling Tired, Hungry, or Sick
It’s amazing how easily kids lose emotional control when their bodies are out of balance. They feel the discomfort! However, children can’t always identify the reasons for their discomfort, and they predictably become cranky, grumpy, and demanding. Showing empathy toward your child and how he is feeling and perhaps offering him a comfort food, drink, or blanket, OR asking him what you can do to help can very effective.
4. Having His Feelings Hurt
Hurtful feelings often go unrecognized and unidentified by children and can cause a wide variety of negative/aggressive responses. A child is often not able to see beyond his own needs and feelings and often does not notice when those around him are busy or distracted. He will simply behave in ways that effectively get him the attention he needs because waiting may be beyond his skillset.
As a result, this often leads the child to feeling ignored. Additionally, there is a wide range of both obvious and subtle reasons that cause a child to feel a sense of imbalance in his world. Such causes can include illness, rejection, loneliness, boredom, and/or failure to feel successful in ways that are important to the child and lead to positive self-esteem and approval from adults and/or peers. Simply letting your child know that it seems as though his feelings have been hurt and asking what you can do to help opens the door to communication rather than retaliation. If your child does not want to talk, let him know that you are available if he wants to chat later.
5. Feeling Unsafe, Frightened, and/or Threatened
When a child feels unsafe, he may withdraw and try to find a “safe space” or retaliate assertively and/or aggressively in an attempt to establish a sense of power and control over his life. Identifying his need while setting boundaries for acceptable behavior is important. Additionally, ask your child what you can do to help him feel more comfortable and/or safe. Be sure to let him know that you want to help him. Putting these together is a very effective approach that can lead to positive outcomes.
Remember to draw boundaries around acceptable behavior. Also, let your child know the outcomes for unacceptable or aggressive behavior in advance.
6. Lack of Predictable Boundaries
Predictable boundaries are necessary to give the child (a) consistent messages of what is expected, (b) clear definition that the adults are in charge and will keep him safe, and (c) the expectation that he is to handle his thoughts/feeling/frustrations safely and calmly rather than through negative/acting out behaviors.
Remember, too, that predictable boundaries are most effective when the child knows in advance what the outcomes are for crossing those boundaries. Inform him of the outcomes calmly and be very careful not to introduce possible outcomes as a “threat.” It’s kind of like knowing in advance that if a person driving a car speeds beyond the posted speed limit and a cop is around there is a good chance he will have to deal with the outcome of getting a ticket.
Learn to See and Meet Your Children’s Needs
Consider this list a reminder that your role as a parent may often seem complicated and sometimes overwhelming. However, if you stay focused on the six ideas described above, you will be creating the foundation for your child to experience success. This success leads to learning predictable and appropriate boundaries (that ultimately result in a sense of safety). It also helps him learn to get his needs met in acceptable ways and deal with his feelings through positive interactions.
Remember, too, that one of your most powerful teaching tools is to become an “example” for your child as he watches how you cope with a wide variety of needs, frustrations, and challenges that you encounter in your own life.
